Dear God,

Today, I would like to talk about something personal to me.

It’s a little scary talking about this particular subject because I feel like people will judge me but I’ve had a really rough past day and thought I would talk about it on my blog. I’ve talked about my family problems briefly on my blog before but I didn’t want to go into detail because of how personal it is.

I was also afraid the post would come off as ranting but I’m not in high school anymore and not as angry as I used to be.

Just tired. And I sort of gave up.

I also thought that there might be another blogger or reader out there who could relate to me. And maybe talking about it will help other people realize that there are people going through the same things they’re going through. And knowing that there is someone out there who understands the problems you’re going through feels kind of relieving.

Because my dad is an alcoholic.

He can’t live a day without drinking. When I was a child, he used to be drunk every day. These days, my dad is just really angry. He has anger management problems and can be bipolar. He doesn’t have many friends and the people around him are constantly judging him. He had a rough childhood. He suffered when he had to go through his mandatory military service in South Korea. And still has a lot of problems with his own dad, even though my grandpa has been dead for the past decade. He never listens to what other people have to say. He’s stubborn and thinks he’s always right. He’s conservative and can be racist towards others.

In other words, my dad has a lot of problems and he often takes it out on his family.

But I’m not saying this so you can judge him. I just wanted to give you an idea on what my dad is like as a person. A lot of his conservative and racist tendencies has to do with the country he grew up in. Most of his generation in Korea are also conservative and can be racist. But that’s not what makes up his entirety as a person. He can be a horrible person, but he’s also my dad.

Yesterday, my frustration and pain came to an all-time high and I freaked out. I yelled at my dad. I said some things I didn’t really mean but sometimes think about (which is a whole other post). And there was a little violence. But nothing that didn’t hurt physically.

I cope through my pain by praying to God. But sometimes I feel like He’s silent. I usually talk about my dad but sometimes I feel like He isn’t listening to me. I think, “What did I ever do to deserve this?”

My dad probably isn’t going to change. His problems run deeper than what’s on the surface. They’re problems of the heart and the person who can make his problems better is no longer alive.

I feel like I’m being punished. I know that thoughts like this are selfish. I know that God didn’t single me, my sister and my mom out and say “This family gets a shitty childhood” but sometimes it’s hard not being selfish when life is a constant struggle.

I’m also a believer in second chances. If someone did something horrible and is feeling sincerely remorseful, I feel like they should be given another chance to make things better. But do I feel like my dad deserves a second chance?

Although yesterday was really hard and although I know there will be days that are just as hard ahead, there are some things I’m really grateful for. My mom. And especially my sister.

If I didn’t have my sister, I would have probably gone through with suicide when I was struggling with similar issues and suffered through depression in high school. My sister is my favorite person in the whole wide world. She’s my best friend and someone I know that will always be there for me.

Life with my dad is really hard. Really really hard. But I also like to remind myself that life could be harder and that there are people I sincerely care about and sincerely care about me.

And the fact that I can say that makes things a little better.

If you’re struggling with similar issues, I just want to give you a virtual hug. Because you’re not alone and I like to remind myself that I’m not either.

I can’t say with certainty that life will get better but who knows? Maybe it will.

8 thoughts on “Dear God,

  • I am so sorry that you have to deal with that. A good relationship with siblings is so helpful in this situation, so I’m glad to hear that you and your sister are well. Thank you for sharing this piece of your life. I would never judge you for that. Take care and please stay strong.

  • I’m so sorry things are rough with you and your dad. *hugs* I can sort of relate, for my own relationship with my mother’s very turbulent. We’ve had many downs in our years together, and even now things can get ugly. With her, I’ve suffered from emotional, verbal, and physical abuse. There have been times when she would throw stuff at me, times when she’d grab me and try to drag me out the house. It’s been rough, but I still love her for she is my mother and she did do her best to raise me. But she’s super Korean in her mindset, and while there are some Korean characteristics in me, my mindset vastly differs from hers.

    You’re not alone in regarding your relationship with your father. There are a lot of us who come from a difficult home. I am very glad you have your mother and sister for support. There are times when my dad is on my side, but for the most part he tries to stay out the way when my mum and I have our mighty rows. I do hope things will get better. Never give up, and don’t be afraid to seek help from friends or professional individuals. *hugs* If youu ever need to talk, I’m here! <3

  • I am so sorry to hear that you have had to deal with that. *biggest virtual hug* I’m glad that you have someone to fall back on, someone who is family, is super important. But also know that you have the whole blogging community to talk to – I’m just a message away if you need someone to rant to/let it all out. Don’t you forget that!

    I have a similar experience with my family, in general, to be honest. They are very conservative and believe in their own values in a tunnel vision sort of way that they can’t relate or want to relate to anyone else. I’ve had moments recently where I get frustrated by their close-mindedness, unproductive criticism and negativity and have had conversations with them. It’s always been very difficult but communication is key.

    Sending you lots and lots of love <3

  • i am sorry that you have to get through this. sending you hugs and strength. i am lucky that none of my family involved in self-destructive stuffs but we are getting more and more apart from each other and it scares me. because i grew old. my parents grew old. i am busy with work. they are busy with work. i just wanna do what children do to their parents. care and love and stuffs. but for now i can only do so much.

    i am glad you’re finding strength in Him and your sister. hold on to that. life will get rough and i couldn’t offer more or less consolation. but the bravest and the wisest come from the rough. He listens. we have different faith but i believe that. stay strong. pray a lot. love a lot until you forgot what’s it like not to love.

  • I’m sorry to hear that you had a rough childhood and that your dad is suffering from alcoholism. Situations like these are very difficult because the family is always the one that gets affected the most. But it’s great that you have a great mom and sister, I can just imagine the kind of support you guys have for each other, I hope you guys keep your strong bond forever!

    I really don’t know what to say because I’ve never been through something like this, but I’d like to send you a big virtual hug <3 And I'm so happy that you chose to share this on your blog; you're right, other people are probably going through the same thing and knowing that would make them feel a bit better. It's always a nice feeling when you know you're not alone in those situations.

  • I know exactly what you’re going through. My Mom is an alcoholic and it’s always been a challenge living with her, dealing with her narcissism, and other issues. Just have take it with a grain of salt and take care of myself at the end of the day.

  • I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this, and I applaud you for being brave and writing about it and sharing it with us. It’s important we use our platforms as a means to talk about what’s happening in the world and bring awareness.

    Send you loads of hugs and love right now. I used to have a pretty rough relationship with my mum growing up, but we’ve gotten to a point now were we are in a good place. I’m glad that you have your sister with you – I don’t know what I’d do without mind either.

    If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m only a message away <3

  • Aw *hugs hugs hugs*. I’m sorry that you’re in a tough situation due to your father’s addiction. I cannot imagine how frustrating and exhausting it must be, especially when it is a parent. But I can see the love that you have for your sister and mom, and it is beautiful. Thank you for sharing and spreading the awareness. Stay strong and believe in yourself too. I think you are much more capable than you give yourself credit for.

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