Today, I would like to talk about something personal to me.
It’s a little scary talking about this particular subject because I feel like people will judge me but I’ve had a really rough past day and thought I would talk about it on my blog. I’ve talked about my family problems briefly on my blog before but I didn’t want to go into detail because of how personal it is.
I was also afraid the post would come off as ranting but I’m not in high school anymore and not as angry as I used to be.
Just tired. And I sort of gave up.
I also thought that there might be another blogger or reader out there who could relate to me. And maybe talking about it will help other people realize that there are people going through the same things they’re going through. And knowing that there is someone out there who understands the problems you’re going through feels kind of relieving.
Because my dad is an alcoholic.
He can’t live a day without drinking. When I was a child, he used to be drunk every day. These days, my dad is just really angry. He has anger management problems and can be bipolar. He doesn’t have many friends and the people around him are constantly judging him. He had a rough childhood. He suffered when he had to go through his mandatory military service in South Korea. And still has a lot of problems with his own dad, even though my grandpa has been dead for the past decade. He never listens to what other people have to say. He’s stubborn and thinks he’s always right. He’s conservative and can be racist towards others.
In other words, my dad has a lot of problems and he often takes it out on his family.
But I’m not saying this so you can judge him. I just wanted to give you an idea on what my dad is like as a person. A lot of his conservative and racist tendencies has to do with the country he grew up in. Most of his generation in Korea are also conservative and can be racist. But that’s not what makes up his entirety as a person. He can be a horrible person, but he’s also my dad.
Yesterday, my frustration and pain came to an all-time high and I freaked out. I yelled at my dad. I said some things I didn’t really mean but sometimes think about (which is a whole other post). And there was a little violence. But nothing that didn’t hurt physically.
I cope through my pain by praying to God. But sometimes I feel like He’s silent. I usually talk about my dad but sometimes I feel like He isn’t listening to me. I think, “What did I ever do to deserve this?”
My dad probably isn’t going to change. His problems run deeper than what’s on the surface. They’re problems of the heart and the person who can make his problems better is no longer alive.
I feel like I’m being punished. I know that thoughts like this are selfish. I know that God didn’t single me, my sister and my mom out and say “This family gets a shitty childhood” but sometimes it’s hard not being selfish when life is a constant struggle.
I’m also a believer in second chances. If someone did something horrible and is feeling sincerely remorseful, I feel like they should be given another chance to make things better. But do I feel like my dad deserves a second chance?
Although yesterday was really hard and although I know there will be days that are just as hard ahead, there are some things I’m really grateful for. My mom. And especially my sister.
If I didn’t have my sister, I would have probably gone through with suicide when I was struggling with similar issues and suffered through depression in high school. My sister is my favorite person in the whole wide world. She’s my best friend and someone I know that will always be there for me.
Life with my dad is really hard. Really really hard. But I also like to remind myself that life could be harder and that there are people I sincerely care about and sincerely care about me.
And the fact that I can say that makes things a little better.
If you’re struggling with similar issues, I just want to give you a virtual hug. Because you’re not alone and I like to remind myself that I’m not either.
I can’t say with certainty that life will get better but who knows? Maybe it will.