Does anyone ever reflect about yourself, as an individual, and wonder what went wrong?
Because that’s me.
These days I’ve been having a combination of social I-don’t-care + social anxiety + imposter syndrome. As I get closer and closer to my graduation date and finishing up my master’s in library and information science–I get more nervous, giddy, and anxious about the future. I know that your success or progress isn’t comparable to someone else’s success or progress but I can’t help but think about it.
About 99% of my cohort are already in the field they’re studying for and here I am, still doing retail and paying thousands of dollars for school. Is being in so much debt worth it, in the end? I know that if I make the effort and start applying for jobs in the spring–things will probably work out okay. But sometimes I worry that no one will call me, I’ll fail the interviews and I won’t end up getting a job.
Something I’ve also realized about myself is that I hate meeting new people. I don’t hate anyone but I don’t really like anyone either.
My sister and I are actually helping a church out with their middle school retreat in the beginning of March. I’m horrible at meeting new people. One thing that has been bothering me also is the fact that the director, in charge of the retreat, didn’t even bother asking me about doing the retreat. He asked me through my sister. And I know that people often pair me with my sister but I still feel like my opinion matters. But is it too late to regret when I’ve already committed? I don’t want to be a quitter. Maybe this is a good thing. Sometimes it’s okay to step outside your comfort zone. And meeting new people (without my sister there as a crutch) is definitely stepping outside my comfort zone.
I started Sunday school three years ago and my first day as a Sunday school teacher was definitely way worse than a three-day retreat. If I could survive the first day of Sunday school–I can definitely survive three days in unknown territory… Right?
As I think about all this stuff and how much I hate talking to people, I realized that all my anxiety and feeling inadequate, comes from me thinking too much and not being confident in my own abilities.
Why is it so hard to be confident? Sometimes I just want to give up but no one gets results by just giving up.